What Is Anxious Attachment? Understanding the Root of Relationship Anxiety | Seanna Crosbie, LCSW-S – Therapist in Austin, Texas & California

You’re staring at your phone, heart pounding, waiting for a reply. It’s been hours, and your thoughts start spiraling. Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me? What if they don’t care as much as I do? You tell yourself to relax, but the panic is already creeping in.

If this feels familiar, you may have anxious attachment—a pattern of seeking closeness but fearing rejection or abandonment. This attachment style isn’t just about relationships—it’s about how you learned to connect, trust, and feel safe in the world.

Understanding where anxious attachment comes from can help you break free from its grip, so you can experience love, connection, and security without fear.

How Anxious Attachment Develops in Childhood

Anxious attachment starts in early childhood, shaped by your experiences with caregivers. As infants and toddlers, we rely entirely on our caregivers for love, safety, and emotional regulation. When those needs are inconsistently met, the brain develops hyper-awareness to connection—always scanning for signs of rejection or withdrawal.

Children who develop anxious attachment often have caregivers who were:

• Emotionally inconsistent – Sometimes nurturing, sometimes distant

• Unpredictable in their responses – Loving one moment, dismissive the next

• Overwhelmed or preoccupied – Unable to fully attune to their child’s needs

• Anxious themselves – Passing down their own fears of abandonment

As a child, you learned: Love isn’t guaranteed. I have to work hard to earn it. Your nervous system became wired to seek closeness but fear it slipping away.

How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Adult Relationships

Fast forward to adulthood, and anxious attachment continues to shape how you experience love and connection. If you have this attachment style, relationships may feel like an emotional rollercoaster—intense, consuming, and often anxiety-inducing.

Common signs of anxious attachment in relationships include:

• Overanalyzing texts, tone, or body language

• Needing constant reassurance from your partner

• Fearing abandonment, even in stable relationships

• Feeling “too much” or “not enough”

• Becoming anxious or panicked when a partner pulls away

• People-pleasing to avoid conflict or rejection

Even in secure relationships, your brain interprets normal relationship ups and downs as threats. A delayed text feels like rejection. A busy week for your partner feels like emotional withdrawal. The fear of losing love can become overwhelming.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style? Why Therapy Can Help

If anxious attachment is shaping your relationships, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Therapy provides a space to understand why these patterns developed and, more importantly, how to change them. You can learn to recognize your triggers without judgment, calm your nervous system without needing constant reassurance, and shift the fear-based thoughts that keep you stuck in anxiety. Through therapy, you gain the tools to express your needs in a way that strengthens relationships rather than pushing people away. Most importantly, you begin to experience what it feels like to build connections that feel stable, safe, and fulfilling. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with support and intentional work, you can start to feel more secure—both in relationships and within yourself.

Final Thoughts: Understanding Anxious Attachment Is the First Step Toward Healing

If anxious attachment is impacting your relationships, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. This pattern was learned through experience, and that means it can be unlearned. The goal isn’t to “fix” yourself—it’s to learn how to trust, connect, and feel safe in relationships without fear.

About the Author

Seanna Crosbie, LCSW-S, is a licensed therapist in Austin, Texas, and California, specializing in attachment styles, anxiety, and relationship patterns. With over 25 years of experience, she helps clients break free from anxious attachment and develop secure, fulfilling relationships.

Learn more or schedule a free consultation here.

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