What People Get Wrong About Boundaries: The Real Difference Between Limits & Boundaries | Seanna Crosbie, LCSW-S Therapist in Austin, Texas & California
Someone once told me, “I set a boundary with my mom—she’s not allowed to call me after 8 p.m.” It was said with confidence, as if a line had been drawn in the sand, but there was just one problem: that’s not a boundary. It’s a request, or a limit, and there’s a big difference.
As a therapist, I see this confusion all the time. People believe setting a boundary means telling others what they can or cannot do. But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior—they’re about how you choose to engage, respond, or protect your own well-being. When we mix up limits and boundaries, we set ourselves up for frustration, conflict, and disappointment.
Limits vs. Boundaries: What’s the Difference?
Most of us grew up without a clear understanding of boundaries, so it’s no surprise we get them mixed up with limits. Here’s how they differ:
Limits are requests or expectations we place on others. They sound like, “Please don’t raise your voice at me,” or “I need you to be on time.” Limits rely on another person’s willingness to respect them.
Boundaries are actions we take to protect ourselves. They sound like, “If you continue to raise your voice, I will leave the conversation,” or “If you keep showing up late, I will stop making plans with you.” Boundaries don’t depend on anyone else changing—they are something you enforce through your own behavior.
Why People Struggle with Boundaries
We’ve been conditioned to believe boundaries are selfish, mean, or unnecessary. Many of us were raised to put others’ needs first, avoid conflict, or believe that love means unlimited availability. This is especially true for people-pleasers, caregivers, or those who grew up in environments where personal space, autonomy, or emotional needs weren’t respected.
When people first start setting boundaries, they often feel guilt or resistance. They worry about how others will react—“Will they be mad? Will they leave?” But boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. They’re about creating relationships where your needs are valued, and your well-being isn’t compromised.
The Freedom of True Boundaries
When you start setting real boundaries—not just limits—you stop waiting for others to change. You recognize that you can’t control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you respond.
Instead of saying, “You can’t talk to me like that,” you say, “If you continue to talk to me like that, I will leave.”
Instead of saying, “You have to stop drinking around me,” you say, “If you drink when we’re together, I will leave the situation.”
Instead of saying, “You need to respect my time,” you say, “If you continue to be late, I won’t make plans with you anymore.”
Boundaries shift the focus from them to you. It’s not about forcing anyone to act a certain way—it’s about making choices that protect your peace, energy, and mental health.
Learning to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, you’re not alone. The key is to start small and remember that boundaries are an act of self-respect, not punishment.
Expect discomfort. It’s normal to feel anxious when setting new boundaries, especially if you’ve never done it before.
Be clear and consistent. If you set a boundary but don’t follow through, it sends the message that you don’t mean it.
Let go of their reaction. People who benefit from your lack of boundaries may resist at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing something different.
Remind yourself why you’re setting them. Boundaries aren’t about being harsh; they’re about preserving your emotional and mental health.
The Bottom Line
If you’ve been struggling with boundaries, you’re not alone. Most people weren’t taught the difference between limits and boundaries, which is why so many end up frustrated when their “boundaries” don’t work. The shift happens when you realize that boundaries aren’t about controlling others—they’re about deciding how you show up in relationships.
True boundaries don’t push people away. They allow you to engage with others in a way that feels safe, balanced, and aligned with your needs.
About the Author
Seanna Crosbie, LCSW-S, is a therapist in Austin, Texas, and California, specializing in trauma, grief, anxiety, and relationships. With over 25 years of experience, she helps clients navigate life’s challenges with evidence-based therapy and compassionate support.
If you’re struggling with setting boundaries and want support in creating healthier relationships, reach out today.
#Boundaries #HealthyRelationships #SelfCare #MentalHealthMatters #AustinTherapist #CaliforniaTherapist #TherapyForWomen #SelfGrowth #Codependency #Peoplepleasing #EmotionalWellness #BoundariesVsLimits #HealthyCommunication #TherapistAdvice #MindfulLiving #PersonalGrowth #AnxietySupport #SelfEmpowerment #HealingJourney #MentalHealthAwareness #TraumaRecovery #TherapistLife
